Spencer Baker’s Testimony
Adam Lambdin: I can testify to the fact that Spencer, as my friend, is one of the most warm-hearted young men that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I can also say that he has persevered in pursuing work instead of simply receiving government support. When I first encountered him, he was serving our church at no cost to us, and he was very happy to do so. That is the character of a saint that although he is afflicted with various trials, he is staying faithful and serving others humbly. I esteem him highly, and pray for him often. The following is his testimony, which I asked him to write for me so that I could share it as a blogpost:
Introduction
I was born in 2002 in Kirksville, Missouri. I grew up in a good church and in a Lutheran School where I did hear some truth. I am thankful for those blessings.
For the first many years of my life I would think about The Lord and spiritual things some, but my interest as well as understanding was weak. Then in the summer of 2017 started the chain of events that would change that.
That summer I was coming off of my first year of public high school that seemed rather typical. But my desires were that of a lot of the similar earthly “goals” of my friends, which involved fun and social involvement. I got my first phone, video game console, and new social media all that summer to aim for these things and the spiritual idols they represented.
But then one day my life would change tremendously, I was in Sedalia, MO at my best friend’s house playing basketball when all of a sudden, I came out of the trees with a retrieved basketball but was covered in blotches. It immediately felt like my skin was on fire. We naturally assumed that I had contracted poison ivy. However, we couldn’t have been more mistaken.
That event triggered the mess on my skin that did not relent no matter what we did. I was in severe pain. So we went to my allergy doctor and learned what would become a life-altering truth. I actually had severe allergies to numerous chemicals and substances! Some of those chemicals in question were in almost everything, such as formaldehyde and propylene glycol. I was given a stack of papers with thousands of names and items which I was allergic to or had to avoid, and little did I know that it was nowhere near all of them, as we would learn. The document also said that I would have these for the rest of my life and that there was no hope.
I was also told I needed to bring my own soap to school and that was it. I can look back at this day now as a prime example of how the world in general gives you no hope, but our Lord is able to eliminate that dire outlook because, as it would happen, I have been mightily delivered from this particular affliction.
The summer turned into a nightmare. We discovered I was allergic to far more than we thought. My parents had to basically gut the house of things I was allergic to, and we changed a lot. I tried to still have a public life but it was not doable at the time. I went to Silver Dollar City with my best friend for his birthday, and what should’ve been a wonderful time, was miserable as my skin was burning, especially my face, which was also bright red. I was in so much pain.
Anyway, I had to cut the trip short and go home. And this was one of the last ventures into public I had that summer. I became so sad and miserable stuck at home not being able to eat hardly anything, not having hardly any social times, and even still experiencing countless flare-ups after all we had tried. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t go outside. I scratched and bled constantly. I even discovered I was allergic to the very ointment my allergy doctor prescribed to treat me! I was literally setting my skin on fire thinking I was making it better. But yet, I can see how God preserved me through that summer. The allergies weren’t fatal or damaging internally, and there were breaks. I had support.
The Next Year
Then came time for 10th grade to start. I was still obsessed with those aforementioned desires and was going to be heartbroken to have to homeschool. So I ended up making the decision to still go to school physically. What a foolish decision I had made! Words cannot describe the pain I felt at school that year. Long story short – it broke my spirits. People were scared of me, and mocked me. Others laughed at me.
Friends I had in 9th grade turned into people who would just stare at me. I can’t explain the pain of sitting at my desk in biology class, while all of the other students went also to the lab area to sit and hang out. I sat there scratching and red. All the students and the teacher just stared at me. In the lunchroom no one would sit anywhere near me and I would just sit there all alone suffering while others were staring and pointing. Outside of a handful of students and staff, I felt like everyone in that building hated me. The counselor and principal terrified me.
In the meantime I went to see a doctor in Iowa who, long story short, actually was amazingly used by the Lord to heal my allergies! It was a miraculous thing that The Lord orchestrated. I am forever grateful. There at last was hope.
Back to school, while I still had the allergies there was one incident that happened with the counselor that was so traumatizing it changed my life, I was not the same after it, and I consider it now the night that broke me.
A Turn for the Worse
My allergies were gone but I was not healthy. I was still scratching, and I still couldn’t sleep. I was still terrified of things. What was wrong with me? I grew worse and worse. It became clear that something was very wrong. Yet I had no idea what I would end up going through.
I started to struggle immensely with controlling my thoughts. Then I started to have recurring and almost nightly nightmares. I started to have all sorts of fears, random urges, and all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day.
My nightmares and thoughts frequently were about things I had been through. I would constantly find my mind stuck on being in the lunch room or having allergy attacks. I started to see these things in my dreams.
My primary care doctor referred me to a psychologist. It was scary at the time to think about something being that wrong with my mind, and it made me nervous to visit a psychologist. I had no idea what to expect or how it would go. I don’t remember much about my first session, but I imagine it was the first time I told anybody about what I was thinking inside my head.
I started to have times where I would just break down, scream, cry, or panic. My symptoms worsened. I felt like I no longer had control of my own mind. My nightmares got so intense that I started to fight hard even going to sleep. I started to hear voices that were not there or hearing someone’s voice which often said something hurtful which they said in the past. I started to see things. I started to re-experience things in my mind.
Over the next few months I got so terrified of the outside world that I basically became a proverbial hermit. I became so scared of sleep I would go days without. I layed in bed all day. The school and its officials were trying to get me back to school. That too felt like a mess, and I did anything not to go. I would fake sickness, purposefully make myself bleed, and other things, that even though they were done in absolute fear, I am now ashamed of these things. I was not in my right mind. I was so sick I distanced myself from friends, family, and others, not because I wanted to, but because I was so disturbed. What did everyone think of me? I had just disappeared.
Some time later my psychologist did some thorough examinations, and I took many tests and evaluations. I was finally diagnosed with 4 conditions; post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, major depressive disorder, and delusional disorder. These are scary terms but as I would learn, these are nothing compared to the helping hand of the Lord.
I was prescribed medicines to deal with my broken mind. This is something that certainly wasn’t easy to do and caused other people in my life lots of concern, but I am so glad that I took them. This is a matter I will discuss at the end as I certainly have some warrant to say certain things about different aspects regarding medication.
The Next Couple Years
From early 2018 to early 2020 I basically stayed the same. I felt hopeless, abandoned, hated. I felt like the Lord himself was against me. I remember praying for help and things got worse! I can now see these were lies of the enemy, but at the time, they felt so accurate.
In early 2020, I felt like I had reached the end. I simply had no desire to live anymore, at least live the way I was stuck living at the time. I made myself the promise that I would either be in a better place or take my own life. What a wretched deception! By the Lord’s almighty hand, and after much grief, He safely led me to live with my grandfather in Sedalia. There I would start to turn my life around and experience hope (albeit worldly) and happiness for the first time in years.
I got there in February of 2020 I believe. I loved my Grandfather so much, and we were very close. My room there over the last few years had been my “safe room”. It was just where I felt comfortable, and it was a real place of relief when I was there. Immediately I felt so much more safe, comfortable, and happy.
A month or so after I had been there, the pandemic started. This would be something that was very stressful for me for the time I was there, but I can now see God’s kindness in helping us through it. My Grandpa and I played cards for a couple hours every day, watched TV every night, and it was such a blessing.
Over the first few months of being there, I was making tremendous progress. A great example of that progress is that I had previously had health concerns with diabetes, which I was diagnosed with in the previous few months of being in Kirksville for the prior years. However, within a few months of being in Sedalia with Grandpa, my A1C and other numbers were back to a healthy range. They took me off the metformin medication and I was actually diabetes free. My doctors think it was literally stress and trauma that had induced it, but at the time, I had no idea that this was even possible!
Anyways over the months of being there, I was doing intense PET (prolonged exposure therapy) with my psychiatrist, whom I had been seeing since 2018. It was an absolutely grueling experience which purposefully sent me back to traumas, but that’s what you have to do. I couldn’t keep running from it. I had to attack it. It took months and months, but the results were remarkable. It was amazing how God was helping me.
So for the rest of 2020 I got better and better. I was way more active with communication, exercise, and overall well-being. I was no longer scared of stepping out the door. I was no longer terrified of where I lived. It was truly a miraculous recovery. How did I not see The Lord in it yet? I was even able to get a diploma through the HISET/GED program, something I didn’t think I would ever be able to obtain! Hallelujah!
In 2021, my Grandfather’s health started taking a turn for the worse. I had come to live with him to take care of myself, but it became clear that God brought me there for another reason as well, to take care of him. I did so for the next few months. Eventually my Dad came down for a month or so to help me. It was a rough time but a very special time. However in late April or May, my Grandfather really got bad and this would start a period of extreme difficulty, regression, and miserable grief in my heart.
In June, my Grandfather passed away. We had a special moment the last time I saw him. I loved my Grandpa so much, and I could not be more thankful for what he had done for me. He certainly didn’t understand my conditions, but he loved me and helped anyway. However this loss broke me again. All of a sudden, I had no one to live with, and soon would have nowhere to live, and I was alone and afraid again.
Over the first few weeks after we lost him, I was in total shambles. I don’t remember all of what this time was like, but it was a period of time that I’m actually okay with not having the clearest memory of all the same. At this point, I had a crippling fear of being alone overnight. For a few weeks I couldn’t be alone during the day, but I got to the point where I could survive that alright. Yet it was certainly rough.
Anyways, the nights were just too much. Every house-settling creek would send me to squirm. When I would also go through nightmares and delusional thoughts, no one was there to give me comfort and help me stay in reality. It was horrifying. I had to find someone, somewhere to get help and relief.
We started looking for someone, somewhere to help me. Nobody really understood as we searched. It was heartbreaking. One event transpired that would be something that would devastate me for years to come. I will not go into detail of what or who hurt me (though I do have some new perspective on this which I will discuss at the end), but it was horrible emotionally and my perception of the Lord and Christians became really horrible after this happened. My Mom and my Dad were there to support me though. Yet, I became suicidal again, but the Lord was kind to protect me through it all.
Finally we found help! A very kind man opened up his house to me to spend nights there. It was a kindness to which I will be forever grateful. So, through the rest of 2021, I stayed at the house that was Grandpa’s during the day, and I went over there for the night. These months were still hard, but I made it through them, and I can see God’s kindness during that time so much now.
However, in January of 2022, my life would change forever. My friend who’s house I stayed at, and who was very kind and faithful to share Christ with me, led me to the Lord. In mid January on either the 17th or the 19th, I believe it was then that I gave my life to the Lord. It was for me a miraculous conversion experience! I just saw things differently seemingly out of nowhere! I suddenly didn’t think that the Lord hated me. He loved me! My friend and I had such a special conversation at one point, and he told me to pray and to seek to know the Lord, yet I did not want to wait! I cried out to the Lord then and there! What a wonderful night it was. All of the sudden I was stronger, and gloriously hopeful, and truly, genuinely happy.
I loved discussing the word. I loved talking to God. I loved listening to worship music, yet secular music felt so empty by comparison! God loved me as I was! I was not a monster, not crazy, not some unredeemable burden, not a killer, and not demon-possessed. All of those thoughts were lies that Satan had used to try and destroy me. I was a soul that had found its savior who knows me better than I know myself! He knows the depths and truth about every struggle I have, and he is faithful to carry me through them! What a friend we have in Jesus!
Bethany Baptist Church
I was at a crossroads about finding a church though. I didn’t think I would find a church that would accept me for who I was. However I was wrong! One day my friend had a diabetic crash and I had to call 9-1-1. (He was OK after getting help) Yet during that trial I met his brother. He told me of his church, Bethany Baptist, and of its pastor, who wanted to meet me! It was amazing how God brought some good out of something terrible!
I settled in at Bethany. To this day I have not heard one negative thing about me or my conditions! I have a church where I truly feel loved! I have made many good friends and I love being with those brothers and sisters. I have grown there spiritually so much. I love meetings, studies, and the many fellowship opportunities I get! Fellowshipping or studying with my friends brings me so much joy!
Today’s Joys
Today I live at my own house (day and night), and I even have a part-time job in Sedalia at a Dollar General! What goals God has propelled me to accomplish! I still do have struggles though. My nights are still a big trial with regards to being unable to rest or sleep, and I still have nightmares. Living alone all day, every day, is very hard and is very lonely. I still have delusions and thought-troubles. However, the Lord is good and is guiding me through them! He has healed me and brought me through so much. I can trust Him for his timing in bringing me through what remains. My pastor and friends have shown me extreme kindness and have been a help for me in dealing with my trials.
The traumas of the school, the allergies, and others I would like to keep private, I have been given great victory since then. The counselor, principal, allergy doctor, other students, and so on, from years ago, no longer dominate my mind. I honestly probably despised these people for too long. Though I will probably never see any of them again, I forgive them and see them as other human beings, born sinners and capable of making great mistakes. My multiple diagnoses do not define me, and there is even hope and progress towards some of them being rescinded or put into remission. Even though some trials caused by the past remain, I am a new creation, capable of whatever the Lord has for me.
I strive to be a better friend, a better support, a better worker, a better learner, a better evangelist, and ultimately a better follower of The Lord.
This is a summarized look into my story up to the present day. I now hope to give a little bit of retrospective thoughts. The Lord has shown me so much, and I expect He will keep showing me and more as I grow.
Retrospective Thoughts
I have learned so much on mental health from a Christian perspective. Sadly there are some sad and incorrect beliefs in some Christian circles. There is “theology” that all mental health is a result of demons or punishment for sins or because your faith is not strong enough. There are beliefs that Christians should not take medicine nor seek help for psychiatric needs, but that they should only pray. This makes me so incredibly sad. Why are there such bad views on the health of the mind compared to the rest of the body? If you get a cold or the stomach flu or a headache, you are told to rest, take medicine, and see a doctor if needed. You aren’t told that you are being punished by the Lord nor to just have a strong-enough faith.
Why is the mind any different? It is all a part of the same body that the Lord has created! We should be caring for those who struggle mentally, not demeaning them. Think of the blind man in John 9. They asked the Lord if he was blind because of the sins of his father or his mother. But the Lord said that was not so, it was just so that his blindness could be used for the glory of God!
Friends, right there is proof against those wrong beliefs! Demonically influenced struggles and sin-caused problems are certainly real, but we should not group them all together! I get so happy when I hear of churches improving in this subject, of brothers and sisters explaining their mental struggles and caring for each others’ problems. Friends, that’s how we should be about the matter. I think about someone out there in great need, struggling, coming to a church and being told all that misinformation, and it makes me so incredibly sad. I pray for great growth in the church as a whole with regards to this.
I can look back at so many things that were terrible and see how God has used them for good! If I would’ve never gotten allergies, I might actually have gotten my dream of being in with a group of friends at high school. What good would that have done? Later, If I hadn’t been there for my friend’s diabetic crash, then I might not have ever found my church. Not to mention the fact that the Lord brought me to my grandpa’s house knowing that I would need to be there to take care of him. I can think of so many examples of God’s grace to me and others as well as the great blessings that are now in my life. Would I even know the Lord today if I hadn’t gotten allergies or developed mental illnesses? I can be thankful for the grace I received through the misery I experienced.
Medication is nothing to be ashamed of. You should only take it if you do in fact need it, of course. It might be a little unnerving due to side effects and the feelings of shame some might feel, but it is important. But it is not that we should put our trust in medicine. We put our trust in our Lord who uses it to help us! Personally, if I don’t have my medicine, I am a wreck. But it just makes me more reliant on the Lord and the things He uses to cultivate my reliance on Him!
I used to have the strong desire of wishing I could spread the word about there being help to allergy sufferers. While I still feel that now, I have even more of a desire to spread the word about there being a savior for souls however complicated their situation!
I have struggled with bitterness towards those who hurt me personally in very painful ways, and I pray to not have those sinful thoughts. It makes me so sad, but I strive to love them and pray for the Lord’s healing of us all! Forgiveness and healing are a wonderful act of the Lord. I also think I myself probably would’ve been just as ignorant if I had been in their shoes. I actually have no certain idea if I would’ve been that way or not. God knows.
But there is no reason to give up! We also know from the story of Paul and Mark as well as Barnabas in the Bible that sometimes even among believers there are fallouts. But we can also see in the Bible so many times that the Lord heals division. I don’t say all this to make anybody feel bad, I just say this to encourage anybody who has been through similar emotional strains and fallouts. I want to show that there is hope in those sad situations.
The Lord helped me conquer many issues already. I used to have serious fears of lawn mowers, backpacks, and other things that are now nearly gone. My fear of water has improved tremendously, I can even mop at work now and no longer have to hide and live my life around avoiding water or rain!
What a joy it is to think of Heaven, where there are no more nightmares, pain, or scary thoughts. How wonderful to have a perfect body and a perfect relationship with everyone.
Conclusion
Friends, thank you all for taking the time to read this. I have never publicly shared my life in this much detail, but Adam really encouraged me to. I hope this was ultimately an encouragement.
Friends, if anyone is struggling mentally or emotionally, please let it out and seek help. You have nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever. Mental health needs to be taken seriously and there is such relief in the counsel, love, and support of other believers.
I always appreciate prayers and love as well as praying for others who ask for it! God bless you all! Praise The Lord!
In Christ with love, Spencer A. Baker
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:13-14 ESV
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